How do you feel about this?

It’s good to ask people how they feel about this or that: the work we are doing together or the conversation we are having or what it’s like around here, or the film or that experience or the new process or programme, our relationship or whatever.

Often people start their reply by saying “I think ……….”

That’s not how they feel, it’s what they think.

It’s important to me to hear what you think though I also want to understand how you feel so I can get to know the real you as well as the rational you. I may agree or disagree with what you think though knowing how you feel helps us connect at a deeper level so we can more easily make progress together. I also ‘get’ you might be avoiding that, keeping your distance for your own tactical reasons.

I might sense how you feel, though I’m often wrong so for me it’s good to ask how you feel so I can find out, no assumptions.

Sometimes it’s difficult to find the words that best describe how you feel so here’s a selection:

Calm, optimistic, certain, sensitive, passionate, sympathetic, disappointed, powerless, embarrassed, disillusioned, unsure, engaged, crushed, anxious, bored, empowered, worried, doubtful, wary, courageous, delighted, relaxed, stressed, engrossed, challenged, doubtful, perplexed, guilty, hesitant, skeptical, dominated, dull, alarmed, nervous, offended, threatened, amazed, surprised, concerned, inspired, warm, irritated, discouraged, useless, vulnerable, frustrated, fuming, tormented, weary, pessimistic, disinterested, wronged, fortunate, accepting, fascinated, determined, secure, upset, ashamed, empty, distressed, insensitive, suspicious, dejected, lonely, loved, alienated, energised, confident, burdened, excited, frightened, involved.

Personally, I spend a lot of time in my ‘head’: planning, rationalising, cogitating, deciding, making up stories both to articulate a concept and about what other people might be thinking (again, I am mostly wrong about them). I think (there I go) I’m more cerebral than emotional – at least to the outside world.

Last week John was coaching me and I was rattling on, ‘stuck in my head’, intellectualising about a particular challenge I was facing and all of a sudden he turned away, yawned loudly and declared ‘boring’. I felt shocked and while I was frantically trying to make sense of his intervention he asked me ‘so what would be really exciting here Dave?’ We then had a brilliant conversation and I left fired up. John skilfully and with perfect timing got me out of my head and into my heart. A bit like that amazing scene in the “Kings Speech” when the therapist sits in the Kings chair and refuses to move, “it’s just a chair!” The King (played by Colin Firth) then loses his temper and eventually shouts “I have a voice” without his stammer and is cured.

Both examples are pretty extreme and I don’t suggest you go sit on the Kings Throne or yawn at your colleagues though sometimes it would be good to ask them how they are feeling and then listen and notice how you are feeling.

Oh, by the way, how are you feeling? Which of the above words best describe it for you and how come?