Who are you?

When I was a young project manager I wanted to be a contracts manager. Every time my boss came to site I would hassle him about promotion. At first he would tell me the skills I needed to develop, which I did over time, then “Dave you need to do a few more big jobs” and so it went. It seemed the harder I pushed the more distant promotion became and so I pushed even harder. Exasperated, I would ask him “what more do I have to do?” Jeff knew I wasn’t ready though struggled to articulate why or maybe he did and I wasn’t listening.

At the time my coach explained BE: DO: HAVE – who you “be” informs what you “do” which informs what you “have” in terms of results. I remember thinking what does he mean “who you be?”

My approach to Jeff was simple – “give me the job, the big car, the office, the salary. When I have those things I will do you a great job and we will both be happy”. For me it was HAVE: DO: BE. Again, my coach said “Dave it doesn’t work that way round, it starts from who you be; go figure it out”. It took me years and I am still working on it, though I have made progress – I am still driven though much more comfortable in my own skin and I have come a long way from where I started.

Now, as a coach, I see managers and executives frantically trying to do more and more stuff in order to cope, deliver and succeed both personally and corporately. Often their starting point with me is time management – “how can I do more stuff?” Naturally I don’t entertain the conversation as more stuff leads to more stuff, usually further and further down into the weeds. Instead I ask about purpose, values, future, relationships and “being” versus “doing”. Experience tells me the break through and necessary shift comes from those conversations rather than striving to do more and more in the limited time we have.

So who are you? Are you your job title, your car, your expensive suit or handbag? Are you your ambition or your parents’ ambition for you? Are you trying to be who your boss wants you to be? Are you your horoscope or psychometric? Or have you done the inner work to know who you are so you can stay true to your values, purpose and intent – integral, whole, true to yourself, in integrity?

Looking back “what more do I have to do” was the wrong question and I was asking the wrong person. My boss didn’t know my answer – I had to start working that out for myself.